Season TWO – Episode 10 – “Hot Mess”
Ron’s gag reflux went into overdrive, as the lead cameraman standing nearby, lost his proverbial cookies. His were not the only eyes to see the razor-sharp arrow tip rip through Rusty’s hand. This was turning into a Monfuckingtana HOT MESS!
YES… Jackie Loonsuckle shot the bull with Sally Squatsnfishes bow and arrow.
NO… It was not a direct hit as viewed by Ron Heimburg and film-man Archer Sting.
Through the cold and the snow and the wind, each set of eyes (including Rusty’s) had seen the Easton XX75 Camo Hunter Arrow tipped with a Grim Reaper Pro Series 124 Grain Blade, go through the bison-hair-clasping-hand of Rusty Flathers.
Lead guide… Jackie Loonsuckle… Had been well off target…
Rusty’s hand was stuck to the bull’s ass with an arrow… It was an errant attempt of misjudged shooting… And now a much-angered 2000-plus-pound bison-bull continued racing to the wild west.
Oddly, the blustery winds subsided. The snow remained heavy, but casted a calm silence over the landscape. Then a lone rider from the south came into view wearing a trendy cowgirl hat. From a distance it appeared to be a woman sporting a Distressed Camel Colored Fedora. It was an extremely trendy hat reflecting a timeless Western charm.
The cowgirl leaned into the headwind with her leather chinstrap cinched tight. Her bleach blonde locks were flowing evenly in the airstream. Digging her spurs into the jet-black American Quarter Horse, the animal with white stockings responded by accelerating past the hunting party. She was a freeway motorcyclist on a Kawasaki crotch rocket.
Geoff Loonsuckle was the first to identify the lone rider… “That’s Ellie Wayler!” he shouted.
YES. It was Ellie… In hot pursuit of Rusty Flathers… And quickly closing her distance with a much-calculated angle of pursuit.
“Roll film! Roll film!” beckoned lead cameraman Archer Sting.
Snowflakes were showering her Mary Long, single-breasted, ranch hand, three-quarter-length, leather jacket. Drawing reins to her mouth she was grasping a stiff nylon lariat (best used for arena-style roping), and preparing to lasso a galloping bison at a speed of more than 40-MPH.
Closing in on her target… Ellie could see the bobble head of Rusty Flathers with the shaft of an arrow pinning his hand to the bull.
Split second decision! Circling once, circling twice, thrice overhead… She launched the lasso toward the front legs of the bull, set the rope, and cinched the line around the saddle horn.
Next move… Digging her heels into the stirrups… She stopped her mount on a dime and braced for the freight train to yield the slack.
A thunderous crash ensued as the bison’s front legs buckled, sending him into a headfirst dive across snow-covered grass. Ellie dismounted, raced to the lasso, broke the arrow shaft, and pulled Rusty to safety before a single onlooker took a breath.
On her knees… She held Rusty tight and wrapped an apple red bandana around his bloody paw. His heart was racing, his breathing irregular, and he was unresponsive.
Looking to the crowd of gawkers for assistance, she felt him nestling further into her arms. Then, caressing his forehead, she watched him mouth the words “thank you.”
The bison’s front half, being severely dismembered (front legs fractured), was lying motionless. Fountains of steam were pouring from his nostrils as Jackie Loonsuckle cautiously approached.
He loaded an arrow… Drew Sally’s compound bow… Aimed at its heart… And then jumped out of his boots when Sally pulled the trigger on a Remington .243 rifle. One that she had yanked from the long gun sleeve strapped on Ellie’s mount.
“That’s how you finish off a maimed animal, you dumb ass!” she cried.
Then she jacked the chamber until all cartridges were emptied… Thrust the firearm to the ground… and rushed toward Ron and Geoff who stood with mouths wide open.
“We need to get the Gold Rope helicopter out here, now!” she ordered. And then continued marching around the crowd in a fit of hysteria, refusing to make eye contact with anyone, including Ellie Waylayer.
Sally’s emergency airflight commands were spot on… But her unwillingness to acknowledge her true feelings for Rusty were socked in with the clouds.
Later that evening, back at the ranch, a subdued bunch gathered for the post-hunt evening feast. With all the drama that had surrounded the day… Fresh bison steaks were stricken from the menu.
Rusty… Who was currently confined to his guest suite at the lodge… Was being cared for by the local “house doctor”.
Since returning in the ranch chopper his vitals had stabilized… There was no damage to the radial or ulnar arteries in his hand… And he was enjoying a heavy dose of morphine, being reminded not to drive, cycle, or operate heavy machinery.
Awkward was an understatement as Sally, Jackie, Ellie, Ron, and Geoff sat at the round table in the Ropers Lounge prior to dinner:
– Geoff and Ron offered Sally the moon in respect to unlimited lifetime access to the ranch (in fear of a lawsuit).
– Jackie repeatedly and sincerely apologized for his overzealous attempt to shoot the bull, thus putting Rusty further into harm’s way (strong like bull, dumb like ox).
– Ellie remained calm and quiet… Not apologizing for her boyfriend’s action (YES, Jackie Loonsuckle is Ellie’s on again off again boyfriend of convenience)… Just stating the obvious that everyone was now safe, and it appeared as though Rusty would gain full recovery.
– Sally was somber… The photo shoot for the hunt was a disaster… Her attempt to save Rusty had been one upped by this beautiful – blonde – horse riding – cowgirl – rope throwing – bison lassoing – magnificent – former girlfriend.
Sally’s phone went off, breaking the uncomfortable gathering. She excused herself from the table to take the call from her agent Ben T. Hook.
“Hi Ben… YES, I am ok. NO, things didn’t go well today. Is there any chance you can get me out of here? OK… OK… OK… I understand… YES, I’ll make it happen.”
Ben T. Hook was all about protecting his famous outdoor fashion model. But he was also geared to collect profits from large corporate accounts like Helly Hansen.
His sense that Sally wanted to be removed from this HOT MESS in Montana was crystal clear… But so were the dollar-signs attached to tomorrow’s photo shoot on her scheduled blue ribbon trout trip at the Gold Rope Ranch.
“Faith, family, and ranchin’,” Ben said… Reminding Sally of what the Heimburg’s and Loonsuckle’s were all about. “You need to embrace this next challenge.”
And with that… Sally returned to the round table… Ordered herself a fresh frosty mug of beer… And for the first time made direct eye contact with Ellie Waylayer.
– To Be Continued –